Old Major releases new "Outlaws EP" to massive crowds
- New York (AP)

An ebullient crowd of nearly seven thousand adoring fans gathered outside St. Patrick's cathedral late last night to celebrate the release of Christian indie-rocker Old Major's new "Outlaws EP." Some fans had reportedly been sleeping on the sidewalk for weeks just for the oppurtunity to catch a rare glimpse of the reclusive superstar. By the time he finally arrived in his custom, dark blue Escalade stretch limo, the scene became riotous as screams and shouts filled the air.

Inside the cathedral, Old Major sat amidst a throne-like display of the album's artwork and the logos of his company, Old Major Inc. He tirelessly spent the next twenty minutes signing CD's, walking canes, and breasts as a security team of priests and nuns from the local parish paroled the crowd with walkie-talkies and sub-machine guns. Was this Old Major Mania? Or just another day in the life of a Christian indie-rock star? We sat down for a rare interview in a confession booth to find out.

Q: Quite a scene out there tonight. Did you expect this kind of turnout?
A: Yes and no. You know, I'm just blessed to have such a loyal fanbase. They're more like an army really. I actually prefer that term. Army.
Q: It seemed like all you could see out there were Old Major t-shirts and parkas and ponchos and bandanas and umbrellas and whatnot.
A: Well as I'm sure you know, merchandise is the most profitable arm of the Old Major empire. Even more than the music, if you can believe that. Last year, we grossed about $4.2 million in women's wear alone. But we'll be shifting our focus to the kitchen appliance market this year so we can attach the Old Major brand to refrigerators, toasters, dishwashers, and so on.
Q: What recession, right?
A: Oh, I'm not immune to it. I mean, I lost quite a bit in the Madoff scandal. I don't want to divulge the actual number, but it was significant. Maybe not as much as they've reported in the papers but we all know how that goes.
Q: You're really getting a lot of media attention with this new EP. What can fans expect to hear if they've never heard your music before?
A: Hypothetically right? Because really, think about who you're talking to. I mean, c'mon. But I guess we would have to take some hypothetical person who might have been living in a cave or had spent a number of years aboard an alien spaceship and had somehow not ever been exposed to Old Major. Well, I would tell them to imagine Phil Collins crossed with Abba crossed with Coldplay crossed with Paul Wall produced by Lil' Jon. Imagine that. Imagine how horrifically bad that music would be. I don't think the universe could mathematically withstand something that awful.
Q: What about your music?
A: My music? Imagine DJ Premier featuring Daniel Johnston produced by Wayne Coyne. And co-produced by Jesus of course.
Q: Like your autobiography, God Is My Co-Producer.
A: Exactly. Available for $29.95 for premium members of my website.
Q: What sort of music have you been listening to lately?
A: I've actually been getting back into The Doors lately. It's funny, but when I say that most people assume I'm talking about the "Light My Fire" Doors, but there was actually another The Doors that were around well before those guys started. They were really progressive too. The only instruments they ever used were just sounds of doors - doors opening, doors closing, doors slumming shut. And so on. It's heady stuff, really progressive and challenging, but man some of it's really powerful. I'm a really big fan of their early stuff like "Two-car Garages" and "Sliding Glass," not really "Linen Closets" or any of the later stuff so much. But they were really saying something, you know what I mean? Social commentary. That's what we're missing in today's music scene.
Q: Speaking of social commentary, you're always quite outspoken about politics. Thoughts on the election?
A: Well as you know, my president, first and foremost, is God. That's who I vote for. That's who I campaign for. That's whose face I would put on my currency. Of course, then you ask: is God a Republican or a Democrat? Personally, I think he's a moderate socialist/Bonapartist, but that's just me. But I'm more of an issues guy. We can debate about ideologies all day long, but it really comes down to: who's gonna help fix the roads and health care and getting the Ten Commandments on Denny's menus.
Q: What's next for Old Major?
A: Well, there's the world tour coming up. For security reasons, I don't ever play out live but Old Major will be coming to a town near you with a full live band and a holographic image of me singing and playing up there on stage. It's actually been quite a bit of work putting all that together because as you know I tape each performance personally, so if you're in say Kansas City, you'll actually see me playing a set list with some banter in between songs that was recorded specifically for your town.
Q: That does sound like a lot of work.
A: My fans - or my army I should say - are worth it.
Q: Any other messages for the fans?
A: Enjoy the EP. Get ready for that album coming soon. Keep the faith. Send me money.